


To Kill A Mockingjay

by HeyGoodLookin



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Drama, Feelings, Gen, Katniss is understanding things, holy moly, peeta is so kind it's crazy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 16:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20660609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyGoodLookin/pseuds/HeyGoodLookin
Summary: A horrible nightmare brings feelings to light as Katniss finally sheds the last layers of her mockingjay costume. Peeta realizes his own self worth when the person he cares about most, tells him what he needs to hear.





	To Kill A Mockingjay

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so first fanfic for this series and man, am I nervous about it.   
Not sure if I'm going to continue this, so please let me know if it is worth revisiting and continuing.

Peeta heard her screaming that night. Horrible, awful screams, that pierced at his heart. She was in agony. Locked in some kind of horrid nightmare that she couldn’t get out of. Peeta knew of Katniss’ nightmares. One look at her from across the breakfast table as Greasy Sae forced her to eat a single portion of bacon, told him all he needed to know. That she wasn’t eating. She wasn’t sleeping. And she wasn’t okay. He’d tried talking to her, tried to bring her bread that she picked at. He tried to offer help, but he knew, short of inviting himself to sleep over, there wasn’t anything he could do. Katniss kept her windows closed so he didn’t hear when the nightmares occurred. He just knew they were happening and he felt helpless.

That night he could hear her screams clear across the small Victor’s village.

_Prim!_ She cried.

Peeta could hear the horrible broken scream as he fumbled for his slippers and adjusted his prosthetic.

_Prim! No!_Her voice carried over the Primrose bushes he’d planted and into his hollow room. He had to get to her. Soon.

_NO!_ The final scream shattered him. Like he could physically feel himself break at the sound of her pain. He raced across the small village in only his underthings, robe and slippers. Heart hammering against his chest. She’d stopped screaming. She’d woken up and now she was alone. No, he threw open the front door and stumbled up the stairs to where Katniss slept. She wouldn’t be alone.

What Peeta saw when he finally reached Katniss prompted a sob of his own to escape him. Katniss was curled up on the floor of her ensuite bathroom, shaking and crying. She’d obviously vomited into the toilet, but hadn’t made it to clean herself off, as the sink was almost overflowing with water.

Brushing his own tears aside quickly, Peeta turned the water off and gently lowered himself to her level.

“Katniss…” he whispered softly. He didn’t want to scare her. “You’re okay. Shh…” he slowly wrapped his arms around her shivering frame. “I’m here.”

“Prim,” Katniss managed with another broken sob.

“I know, Katniss, I know,” he rocked her gently in his embrace. “I know it hurts.”

“She’s _gone,” _Katniss cried. “I thought—I thought it was just a nightmare at first, but— oh _God!” _she sobbed against Peeta’s chest. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“You’re brave,” Peeta pressed a feather light kiss to her hairline. He’d learned that smaller sentences were easier for her to comprehend when she was fighting hysteria. This was a coping mechanism Dr. Aurelius had taught him for just suck occasions. “You’re so strong,” he continued softly. “I need you to stay here with me. You’re precious. You can’t leave me.”

For the first time in what seemed like years, Katniss looked up at Peeta and met his gaze. His own eyes were glassy with unshed tears. She was hurting him again. Her declaration of suicide had hurt him. Of course it did. She was who he came home for after all.

“It’s just too much,” Katniss confessed. She hated how weak she sounded. Gone was the tough girl from the Seam.

“I know,” Peeta replied. He took in a shaky breath. “Are you taking your medication?” Katniss’ response was silence. Peeta looked up at the full bottles lining the sink and got his answer. “You need to take your medication, Katniss. It helps. Dr. Aurelius said to take them regularly.”

“It won’t help,” Katniss made to stand up. Peeta recognized this moment well. The moment where the wall came up and Katniss rebuilds herself by blocking everything else out.

“Yes they will,” Peeta rose with her. “Dr. Aurelius said they’ll help with anxiety and nightmares.”

“I don’t need help.”

“Dr. Aurelius said—“

“I don’t _care_ what Dr. Aurelius said, Peeta!” Katniss shouted, pushing the door to the washroom closed. Peeta’s hand stopped her before she could though. She looked up and was caught short when she noticed his eyes. His gaze softened as Katniss lowered her hand from the door.

“What?” She looked down at her feet again. She didn’t understand Peeta’s reaction. How could he still be so gentle and good, even after her outburst. Even after _everything_.

“You said my name,” Peeta said softly. “I haven’t heard you say my name in so long.”

Katniss didn’t respond at first. She merely shifted her weight and scowled down at her socks.

“You’re not alone, Katniss,” Peeta continued, lowering his voice to a mere whisper. He didn’t want to overwhelm her. “I know it feels like it. And believe me, I feel it too, but it’s not true. You’ve got me and drunk or not, you’ve got Hymitch. And Sae and Johanna and Dr. Aurelius—I know you don’t like him right now, but please, he’s just a phone call away— and you’ve got a chance at a new life out there. The district is getting rebuilt and people are coming back. They want to rebuild their lives. And I really want that for you too.”

“I can’t—I can’t forget—“ Katniss could feel her knees buckling from underneath her. The last wall had come crumbling down and as Peeta caught her, he could feel every last shred of her stubborn strength leave her.

Once again, Katniss didn’t need to explain herself. Peeta simply understood. “You won’t forget them, Katniss,” he slid down the wall and onto her bedroom floor with her. “I don’t want you to forget them. They deserve to be remembered and to be loved, but you deserve to keep living your life.”

How Peeta managed to be so eloquent, even in the midst of her borderline hysterical sobs, was beyond her. She could feel his strong arms encircling her while his hands stroked her hair and back soothingly.

“M’sorry,” Katniss managed between heaving sobs. She felt like she couldn’t get enough air. “I can’t—I can’t go on without her,” she couldn’t say her name. Her darling Prim. Precious Prim who she saw burning in front of her very eyes every night. “I can’t stop seeing her! I can’t—“ she took a gasping breath. Her chest hurt. She couldn’t focus on anything.

“Shh…” Peeta cradled her between his legs and cupped her face with his hands. “Breath with me, alright? Nice and slow. One…” he took a deep breath while forcing Katniss to make eye contact with him. “Two…three…four…that’s it,” he stroked her cheek with his thumb, brushing some of her tears away. “Let’s do a few more like that. You’re doing really good, sweetheart, keep looking at me.”

Katniss could hear his voice, but it took a good five minutes of breathing before she could focus on his eyes again. The black spots that had clouded her vision, cleared away and her chest relaxed.

“What…?” She blinked through her remaining tears.

“You’ve never had one before?” Peeta went back to stroking Katniss’ hair as she let her head fall onto his chest.

“A what?”

“Panic attack,” Peeta clarified gently. “I’ve had a few since I came back. Hymitch helped me through most of them. Told me what to do if you had one.”

_Hymitch helped him,_ Katniss thought miserable. He had been alone. She’d been in bed, wallowing in her own self pity. Just like her mother had done to her and Prim so many years ago. And even then, Peeta had been here for her. The boy with the bread. She’d never been there for him. Not when his mother hurt him, not when he’d been taken, and not now either. He’d battled alone, but somehow always came to her aid. The fact made Katniss’ tears flow free again. How she had so many tears was completely beyond her.

Peeta felt Katniss tears soak through his shirt and pressed her closer to her body. If only an embrace could heal all wounds.

“I’m sorry,” Katniss cried freely against his chest. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Oh Katniss,” Peeta rocked her gently. “I’ve practically lost track of how many times you’ve saved me.”

“That’s not—“ Katniss sniffed.

“It’s true,” Peeta breathed, cutting Katniss off with a quick kiss to her forehead. “I know it’s real. The memories I have of you, the ones where you’re smiling at me or talking to me after a nightmare or lying with me in that cave, I know those memories are real. You’ve saved me so many times, Katniss. I know that’s real.”

Katniss blinked up at Peeta through her tears. Her gaze drifted to his cheek; the cheek that had been so horribly discoloured and hurt after he’d given her the bread. The bread that had given his witch of a mother a reason to hurt him.

“She hurt you,” Katniss whispered, pressing a shaking palm against his cheek. Somehow Peeta knew was she was talking about, because his expression became tight.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters!” Katniss cried brokenly. “How can you think so little of yourself, Peeta? You matter to so many people. You… you matter to me.”

Peeta’s eyes widened at this. “Katniss…” he started, but Katniss continued.

“I don’t know what your mother all did to you and what she said to you to make you think of yourself as being so insignificant, but—“ Katniss took a deep breath. She wasn’t used to speaking this much. It had to be said, though, because (she realized through her grief) that nobody else would say it. Peeta needed to hear it. “You’re a wonderful, bright, kind, soul. You’re a good person, Peeta, and whatever your mother ever said to you… it’s not true.”

Peeta stared down at Katniss. “I forgave my mother too much,” he said in a small voice. It was like the memories of his mother were turning him into a frightened boy again. “I believed her too. Because when you’re told something enough, you kind of learn to believe it, even if it isn’t true. I’d drop something and then she’d tell me I’m useless.” Katniss flinched at this and Peeta pressed her closer against his chest as he continued talking softly. “Or she’d hit me because I used the wrong colour for the icing on the cake. I know it sounds stupid, but I forgave her because she’s my mother.”

“It’s not stupid,” Katniss murmured into his chest. “She’s not your mother, though. Mothers don’t hit their children because they’re kind. They don’t yell at them, just to make themselves feel better. They don’t ignore them either. They don’t let them starve.”

It was at that moment, that Katniss realized just how similar their lives were. Both with failed mothers and both with kind fathers gone too soon. Both with siblings lost and nobody to comfort them but themselves and a drunk mentor. It was at that moment, that Katniss realized it would have happened anymore. Gale or no Gale, games or no games, Peeta was her light.

“Thank you,” Peeta pressed a feather light kiss to her hairline. It was a daring gesture, he knew that, but he thought back to those nights on the train and how the gesture seemed to have settled her then, and it made sense.

“For what?” Katniss asked.

“For saying that.”

“Oh,” Katniss didn’t know what else to say. Everything she felt seemed inexpressible using words. Peeta knew how to use words, not her. “We should move.”

“Are you okay to?”

“I’m okay,” Katniss said as confidently as she could. “But sitting here must hurt your leg.”

“Don’t worry,” Peeta flashed her a small smile. “If I can last in a cave, I can last in your bathroom.”

“You can go home if you want,” Katniss said as she rose to her feet. She couldn’t help but noticed that his arms still encircled her and her hands had found purchase on his broad shoulders.

“Do you want me to?”

“No,” Katniss whispered.

“Then I’ll stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank y'all for reading!   
Review away :)


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